Magazine
Why I Stopped Talking to My Infant Like a Tiny Corporate Executive
There's this very specific, slightly yellowish stain on the left shoulder of my vintage Ramones t-shirt. I got the shirt at a thrift store in 2018, back when I had things like "free time" and "disposable income," but the stain...
Surviving the Trend: Keeping a Glassy Baby Safe Around Real Twins
My mother-in-law told me it was a deeply spiritual heirloom that would absorb the chaotic energy of our household. My sister whispered it was the ultimate high-status nursery accessory that proved we were officially grown-ups. My mate Dave simply texted...
Why Gladys the Cincinnati Zoo Gorilla Is My New Parenting Hero
It was 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, I was wearing my husband Markβs college lacrosse hoodie that smells faintly of old garlic, and I was staring at a gorilla on my phone while my coffee went completely cold. Like, literally...
The 3 AM Baby Handoff Protocol: Surviving The Night Shift As A Dad
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was holding my son like he was a live grenade with a faulty pin. He had been screaming for forty-five straight minutes. I had run through the standard troubleshooting checklist: diaper...
What the Gisele Bundchen Baby News Taught Me About Over-40 Pregnancy
It was a Tuesday, I was wearing yoga pants with an unidentifiable yogurt stain on the left knee, standing in the aisle at Target staring blankly at diaper cream when three different people gave me completely contradicting advice about having...
The Truth About Infant Gas Drops (And What Actually Worked For Us)
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in 2017, and I was standing in my kitchen wearing a pair of maternity leggings that smelled distinctly of sour milk and sheer desperation. I was running on roughly forty-five minutes of fragmented...
The Great Fur Babies Delusion: Why Your Terrier Is Not Practice
I was sitting on the hallway floor at 3:14 in the morning, holding a plastic bag of frozen peas to my forehead while watching our Jack Russell terrier methodically lick the remnants of a violently rejected rice cake off the...
System Specs vs Reality: Surviving Your Comedic 11-Month-Old
It's 2:43 AM, and I'm holding a tiny human who's laughing hysterically at a completely blank wall. I'm staring at my phone's spreadsheet where I track his input/output logs and exact ambient room temperature (68.4 degrees, for the record), trying...
Debugging Infant Nasal Congestion With the Frida Baby Nebulizer
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, the room temperature was exactly 71.5 degrees, and the humidifier was running at maximum capacity to make our Portland bedroom feel like a tropical rainforest. And yet, the 11-month-old was still whistling through...