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How to Debug the Exact Baby Blue Color Code for Your Nursery
Three different people gave me completely conflicting advice while I was standing in an empty room holding a dry paint roller. My mother-in-law called to insist I needed to find something she referred to as "stork blue" because it supposedly...
Dear Past Sarah: The Local Kids Store Is A Complete Trap
It's Tuesday, 10:45 AM, and you're currently sweating through your favorite grey Madewell tee while standing in the middle of that aggressively aesthetic boutique downtown. Your four-year-old, Leo, is lying starfish-style on the polished concrete floor, screaming something that sounds...
The Tactical, Data-Driven Reality of Buying Baby Girl Clothing
My daughter's left foot is currently wedged somewhere inside the armhole of a tulle skirt that somehow features six different layers of synthetic mesh, and she's screaming at me like I just tried to permanently delete her favorite stuffed animal....
Surviving the baby markt: what I bought versus what actually works
The screen brightness is turned all the way down to a sliver, but it still burns my retinas. It's 3:14 in the morning. I'm trapped under a sleeping ten-pound dictator who will wake up if I shift my left leg...
The Great Baby Spielzeug Overload: Surviving the Toy Avalanche
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was performing what I thought was a routine diaper exchange protocol in the dark when my left heel made contact with a singing plastic farm animal. I don't know what kind...
Did Rihanna Have Her Baby? A Dad's Take on Celebrity Parenting
It was 2:14 AM, the Portland rain was actively trying to breach my window seals, and my eleven-month-old was staring at the ceiling fan like it held the secrets to the universe. We were deep in the middle of some...
A letter to my pregnant self about newborn clutter and tiny things
I'm writing this to you from the floor of the nursery. It's 2 a.m. in Chicago, the radiator is hissing, and I'm staring at a pile of miniature laundry that somehow multiplies when I blink. You're probably six months pregnant...
What the Megan Fox baby tells us about surviving your late thirties
When my wife fell pregnant with our twins, her aunt cornered me at a family dinner to insist we buy a wipe-warmer because cold wet wipes supposedly cause long-term emotional damage. The very next day, my mate Ianβwho has three...
Dear Past Marcus: Debugging The Toddler Consumerism Bug
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the living room rug, watching our five-month-old try to gnaw the security chip off your Amex card. You think it's hilarious. You're probably taking a photo to send to...