How to execute the sorry sir not your baby boundary script
We were in the produce section of the Hawthorne Fred Meyer, right between the bruised organic honeycrisps and that terrifying misting machine that sounds like a tiny jet engine spinning up. My 11-month-old son was strapped into his stroller, chewing...
The Truth About the SSA Baby Name Database (And My Biggest Regret)
I was 38 weeks pregnant, wedged into a kitchen chair that suddenly felt way too small, staring at a glowing spreadsheet of baby names at 11 PM. My husband was standing by the open fridge eating cold deli turkey straight...
Sweet Baby Inc Detected? Why Parents Are Panicking Over Nothing
I was standing in my kitchen at 6:45 AM on a Tuesday, wearing those embarrassing grey college sweatpants with the bleach stain on the thigh, holding my third cup of coffee. My phone buzzed with a text from my sister,...
The Sweet Baby Inc Panic: Why I Thought Our Nursery Was Compromised
I was sitting cross-legged on the floor of the nursery at 3:14 AM, frantically scanning the back of an organic lotion bottle with my phone flashlight, convinced I had somehow introduced a catastrophic vulnerability into our household infrastructure. My eleven-month-old...
Talk To Me Baby: Why We Need To Stop Sounding Like Tax Attorneys
I was at a coffee shop in Lincoln Park yesterday when I heard a mother next to me explaining the concept of municipal bonds to her three-month-old. She was using a flat, monotone, deeply serious voice. The infant was staring...
Why your favorite audio show won't patch your infant's firmware
Itβs 3:17 AM. The Portland rain is aggressively smacking against the kitchen window. I've exactly one AirPod in, listening to some pediatric sleep guru explain the best ambient temperature for a nursery, while my sonβan 11-month-old dictator I lovingly refer...
Dear Past Marcus: The Truth About the Ugg Baby Boot Obsession
It's 4:12 PM on a rainy Tuesday in late November, and you're sweating completely through your flannel shirt while crouched on the mudroom floor trying to shove an angry, curled-up infant foot into a ridiculously expensive miniature sheepskin tube. You're...
Lil Baby Drip Too Hard: A Mom's Guide to Drool and Outfits
I was elbow-deep in a blowout that had somehow breached the diaper barrier and traveled all the way up my youngest son's back when my fifteen-year-old nephew strolled into the living room. He stopped dead in his tracks, stared at...
System Failure: A First-Time Dad's Guide to the Kyte Baby Sale
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, I'm writing this to you as you sit at your dual-monitor setup at 9:58 AM on a Thursday, sweating through your gray Portland Timbers t-shirt. You've got three browser windows open, your credit...