The gloriously absurd reality of making a test tube baby in your 30s
"So," my Great-Aunt Maureen leaned in over a plate of increasingly stale buffet sandwiches at a family wedding, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "Are they test tube babies?" I looked down at my twin girls, who were currently...
The Firmware Update on Rice Cereal For Babies and First Foods
I was standing in aisle four of our local Portland New Seasons market, staring blankly at a cardboard box of beige dust, desperately checking the version history on baby feeding protocols. My 11-month-old was securely strapped to my chest, actively...
The Baby Ruth Conundrum: Candy Hazards & Expert Parenting Truths
Last Tuesday, my mother casually suggested I rub some whiskey on my 11-month-old's swollen gums and hand him a chunk of a baby ruth candy bar to chew on while I made dinner. Two hours later, my neighborβa veteran dad...
My 3 AM Kitchen Panic: Finding Baby Roaches Near the Bottles
It was exactly 3:14 in the morning. I know this because my eyes were burning holes into the neon green numbers on the microwave clock while I stood completely frozen on the cold kitchen tiles. I was wearing these hideous,...
The Huge Lie About Infant Gut Health And What We Actually Did
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was wearing Dave's old college sweatshirt that smelled faintly of spit-up and big despair. I was holding our four-month-old, Maya, who was doing that terrifying rigid-board back-arch thing while screaming at...
My pediatrician's brutal rules for surviving summer water play
I was standing in my tiny Chicago backyard with a garden hose in one hand and a giant, deflating aesthetic swan in the other. My son was barely four months old, shivering violently in a designer swimsuit that cost more...
Debugging dinner: My panic-induced deep dive into organic baby food
It was Tuesday night, 6:14 PM, and my kitchen looked like a crime scene involving a very small, very angry sweet potato. My wife, Sarah, was trying to scrape orange sludge off the ceiling while I sat on the floor,...
Debugging The Stomach Bug: A Dad's Guide To Pedialyte For Babies
There I was at 2:14 AM, standing in the kitchen in my boxers, holding a plastic cup of Portland tap water while my 11-month-old son aggressively formatted his own hard drive all over my shoulder. The dad-logic in my sleep-deprived...
The Truth Behind the Sugar Baby Movie Hype for Modern Parents
Dear Past Jess, It's two in the morning, and I'm currently sitting on the floor of our living room here in rural Texas, staring at a laundry basket that looks like it's actively reproducing. I'm peeling a mysterious, crusty substance...