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Why The Wrong Infant Play Mat Will Ruin Your Tuesday Afternoon
It was 2:14 PM on a particularly bleak, rain-lashed London Tuesday, and a plastic, primary-coloured toucan was aggressively singing a distorted, tinny version of βLa Cucarachaβ while swinging precisely three inches above my daughterβs nose. I was sitting on the...
Surviving the newborn clothing trap and the truth about baby shirts
The meconium was somehow behind his left ear. I was twenty-four hours postpartum, sitting in a dimly lit Chicago hospital room, trying to remove a rigid, non-stretch cotton collar from my son's wobbly, grapefruit-sized head without getting the black tar-like...
Dear Tom: Buy a fuΓsack fΓΌr babys before the winter sleet hits
Dear November Tom, You're currently standing outside the off-licence on a Tuesday afternoon. The sleet is doing that highly specific, horizontal London thing where it somehow manages to rain entirely upward. Both girls have just simultaneously scissor-kicked their hand-knitted cellular...
The Big Secret About Baby Conditioner With No Alcohol Labels
I'm currently sitting on a damp bath mat that smells vaguely of mildew, squinting at the tiny print on a plastic bottle while my four-year-old tries to make a pirate beard out of toxic-looking blue bubbles. He is my oldest,...
How I Finally Found a Play Activity Mat That Did Not Drive Me Crazy
When I was pregnant with my oldest, Tucker, I swear everybody had a loud opinion on where exactly the baby was supposed to exist when I wasn't holding him. My grandmother told me to just throw a handmade quilt on...
What to Do When Your Toddler Finds a Baby Finch in the Grass
It's 2:14 PM on a Tuesday and I'm staring at what looks like a hairy jellybean on my concrete patio. My 11-month-old daughter is currently operating in her standard 'Roomba mode,' rapidly crawling toward the jellybean with her mouth wide...
Tears at Teatime: Why Your Infant Turns Feeding Into A Drama
I once tried to solve a mid-feed meltdown by aggressively bouncing on a pilates ball while simultaneously singing an out-of-tune rendition of Oasis and trying to force a silicone teat into a mouth that was currently shaped like a right...
The Great "Baby Tana Porn" Autocomplete Disaster Of 2024
At exactly 7:14 PM last Tuesday, my wife stopped breathing. It wasn't a medical emergency, but rather a sharp, terrifying inhalation of pure, unfiltered judgment. We were sitting on the couch in our Portland living room, the rain aggressively attacking...
The 3 AM Meltdown That Made Me Finally Buy a Real Gum Teether
It was 3:17 AM in a freezing January, and I was sitting on the floor of my mother-in-lawβs guest room in Connecticut wearing a stained pair of maternity sweatpants that I absolutely should have retired two years prior. Maya was...