My messy search for the best high chair for baby (and sanity)
It was a Tuesday in 2017, and I was sitting in my Nissan Rogue in the parking lot of a BuyBuyBaby (RIP), wearing yoga pants with a suspicious crusty stain on the left knee, crying into a lukewarm vanilla latte....
Surviving 29 Weeks: From Butternut Squashes to Tiny Terrorists
I'm currently watching a piece of steamed sweet potato make its third, highly ambitious trajectory across my kitchen, propelled by the shockingly strong left arm of a child who, until very recently, was basically a sentient bag of flour. If...
The clinical truth about stealing that baby yoda name for your kid
I'm staring at a hospital bassinet card at three in the morning in the pediatric ward, reading the name Anakin and quietly judging the parents from the hallway. That was me five years ago. Crisp scrubs, zero kids, and heavily...
A Dad's Guide to Newborn Investment Accounts and Dictator Logic
Dear Marcus from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the floor of the nursery surrounded by three different W-2 forms, a half-eaten sleeve of stale saltines, and your phone open to a deeply unhinged Reddit thread about IRS Form...
How to Spot Real Baby Teething Symptoms (Without Losing Your Mind)
I was standing barefoot on the cold kitchen linoleum at 3:14 AM wearing a milk-stained baby tee from high school that had definitely seen better days, letting my six-month-old aggressively gnaw on my left index knuckle. My husband was practically...
Dear Past Marcus: A Warning About The Teething Firmware Update
Right now, you're sitting on the edge of the nursery rug in the dark. It's 2:14 AM. The baby is screaming with the intensity of a dial-up modem connecting to a bad server, and you're holding a digital thermometer that...
Why Homemade Baby Suji Saved My Grocery Budget and My Sanity
"Just give him rice cereal in a bottle," my grandma told me over the phone while I was actively scraping a dried crust of mashed banana off my kitchen cabinets. "No, skip grains entirely, meat only," a girl in my...
Why Your Baby Keeps Deploying Their Tongue Like A Tiny Lizard
To: Marcus (from exactly 164 days ago) From: Marcus (current day, currently covered in mysterious sticky residue) Subject: URGENT: The tongue thing is not a hardware failure It's 2:14 AM in your timeline right now. The nursery temperature is exactly...
The Brutal Reality of Buying an Extra Wide Baby Gate For Your Home
My mother-in-law told me to just line up the heavy dining room chairs to block the living room archway. My neighbor at the park swore by those wooden accordion things from the nineties, completely ignoring the massive strangulation risk. The...