Magazine

Twin toddlers sitting on the floor looking confused at a smartphone screen

The Midnight Google Search for Baby Metal That Broke My Brain

It was roughly 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, a time of night when the human brain is largely just a puddle of lukewarm porridge, and I was pinned beneath Maya, the heavier of the twins, who had recently decided that...

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Exhausted mom holding a newborn in a sustainable Kianao bodysuit

Reclaiming The Title Of Baby Mama And Surviving Year One

My wife is asleep next to me, emitting a low, rhythmic wheeze that means she’s currently in deep REM, and I'm sitting in the dark, furiously scrolling through a Wikipedia rabbit hole about billionaires. I literally caught myself googling how...

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Two tiny baby jordans scattered across a messy living room floor next to a chewed silicone teether

Dear Past Tom: The Expensive, Absurd Reality of Baby Jordans

Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently sweating through your grey t-shirt, pinning Florence between your knees while attempting to force her inexplicably square, fleshy foot into a miniature, stiff leather basketball shoe. She's screaming as if you've suggested...

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A tired dad holding a teething toy while looking at a garden drain

How the Baby Jessica Rescue Made Me Fear My Own Back Garden

Tuesday morning, 11:14 AM. Florence has somehow managed to wedge her entire left leg into an exposed drainage pipe near the rhododendrons. I'm frozen in the doorway holding a half-empty mug of lukewarm builder's tea, watching my two-year-old attempt to...

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Exhausted dad holding two toddlers while looking at a Spanish translation app on his phone

How to Say Baby in Spanish When You Are an Exhausted British Dad

Dear Tom from exactly six months ago. You're currently standing barefoot in the kitchen at a quarter to four in the morning, holding a cold piece of toast and aggressively typing into a language app while both girls scream in...

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A tired mother holding a teething baby while looking at her phone in a dim room.

Why raising a toddler feels exactly like domesticating a wild mammal

It was three in the morning and my son was slick with sweat, drool, and the unmistakable rage of a creature who had just discovered teeth. He was thrashing against my chest, refusing the bottle I was offering. I was...

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A wooden baby high chair covered in an unidentifiable orange food puree

How to Buy a Baby High Chair Without Losing Your Entire Mind

I was standing in the kitchen at a quarter to ten on a Tuesday, armed with a discarded electric toothbrush and a spray bottle of white vinegar, trying to excavate petrified Weetabix from the neon-green piping of a padded seat...

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Stressed mom holding baby in a simple cotton Halloween outfit

Surviving Baby's First Halloween Without the Scratchy Tears

I was standing in the middle of a damp Texas pumpkin patch in 2019, wrestling my oldest out of a $65 synthetic lion suit while he screamed loud enough to wake the dead. The zipper was stuck in a tuft...

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The truth about surviving the baby groot merchandise invasion

I was elbow-deep under the sofa cushions on a Tuesday morning, executing a routine sweep for rogue Cheerios and whatever sticky substance had claimed the TV remote, when my fingers brushed against something hard, plastic, and distinctly anatomical. I pulled...

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