Magazine
A Letter to My Clueless Past Self About Hoarding Baby Gear
You're currently standing in aisle four of John Lewis, holding a Β£40 electronic device designed exclusively to warm wet wipes, quietly convincing yourself that if the twins experience a cold wipe on their bottoms, it'll somehow ruin their developmental trajectory...
Dear Jess: What I Wish I Knew Before the Baby Hummingbird Incident
Dear Jess of last May, put down the plastic eye dropper and step away from the kitchen counter before you inadvertently commit a federal wildlife crime. Right now, the baby is strapped to your sweaty chest in the carrier, the...
My Infant Is Glitching: The Truth About Those Endless Hiccups
It's 3:14 AM, and I'm staring at my phone's stopwatch, logging the exact intervals between my son's chest spasms. Every 4.2 seconds, his entire eleven-pound body jerks like a poorly coded physics engine that can't figure out gravity. He doesn't...
The Honest Truth About Flat Spots and That Expensive Baby Helmet
I was sitting in the pediatrician's office with my oldestβwho's now five and completely fine, but was then a three-month-old potato with a head shaped vaguely like a deflated footballβconvinced I had ruined his brain forever. Iβd gone down a...
The Absurd Reality of Managing Your Infant's Changing Hairline
I'm standing over the bathtub at 6:45 PM with a plastic comb in one hand and a remarkably slippery, screeching two-year-old in the other, desperately trying to yank a knot out of her wet fringe. This, for the record, is...
Why I Stopped Debugging My Baby's Percentile Data
The crinkly paper on the exam table was already shredded by the time Dr. Evans walked in with her tablet. Baby G, completely naked except for a very heavy diaper, was violently executing a series of bicycle kicks against my...
Debugging Fatherhood: What Silverbacks Taught Me About Babies
I was standing in our Portland kitchen at 3 AM, wearing a stained t-shirt and intensely color-coding my son's diaper output in a spreadsheet, when I realized my troubleshooting manual for fatherhood was completely corrupted. The lactation consultant at the...
The Great Baby Golden Retriever Myth And How My Family Survived
There's a specific sort of betrayal you feel when you're prying a soggy, half-chewed muslin cloth out of the jaws of a twelve-week-old retriever while simultaneously trying to stop a toddler from attempting to ride said animal like a Shetland...
When Your Toddler Turns Into a Baby Godzilla Destroying Your House
Yesterday at exactly 4:15 PM, I found myself hiding in the pantry eating stale Goldfish crackers in the dark while my two-year-old stood victorious on the coffee table, roaring at the top of his lungs after methodically sweeping my last...