Magazine
The Truth About Baby White Noise (And My Jet Engine Mistake)
I was standing in the middle of my oldest son's nursery at two in the morning, holding my phone out in front of me like a paranormal investigator trying to catch a ghost, while a free sound-measuring app I had...
New Baby What You Wishing For? The Brutal Truth About The First Year
I'm standing in my tiny, unventilated bathroom at 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in November, wearing a pair of mesh hospital underwear that I've somehow managed to launder and reuse because I refuse to let them go, holding my firstborn,...
Stop Crying Over Baby Weight: A Letter to My Sleep-Deprived Self
Dear Jess from six months ago, I see you. You're standing barefoot in the master bathroom at 3 AM. You're completely naked, holding a screaming, naked infant. You step on the cold digital scale, squinting in the dark to read...
Parenting a Baby Wario: When Your Newborn is High-Needs
I'm standing in the dark hallway at 3:14 AM, bouncing on my heels at exactly 60 beats per minute, because any deviation in rhythm causes the 11-pound human in my arms to reboot into a full-scale meltdown. Outside, the Portland...
Decoding Baby Vocals 3 Months In: A Nurse's Guide to Cooing
I was standing in the dark at three in the morning, holding a screaming potato of a human, trying to follow advice from a very expensive parenting app. The app told me that early language development requires measured, calm adult...
Staring At Walls: The Blurry Truth About Baby Vision Development
It was 3 AM on a Tuesday in 2017, and I was wearing a gray maternity tank top from Target that smelled strongly of sour milk, stale coffee, and raw desperation. The house was entirely silent except for the rhythmic,...
Why The Baby V.O.X Monitor Setting Fixed My Sleep
It was 3:14 in the morning and I was staring at a glowing rectangle of static, trying to decide if the rhythmic scratching sound was my son suffocating or just the dog licking his paws in the hallway. I used...
The Truth About Finding a Good Baby TV Show (And When To Turn It Off)
I was wedged tight between a bulk box of Etsy shipping mailers and a half-empty bag of stale Goldfish crackers, holding my breath in the pantry so my toddler wouldn't hear me existing. Out in the living room, my oldestβwho...
A Dad's Guide to Newborn Investment Accounts and Dictator Logic
Dear Marcus from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the floor of the nursery surrounded by three different W-2 forms, a half-eaten sleeve of stale saltines, and your phone open to a deeply unhinged Reddit thread about IRS Form...