Magazine
The baby sis strikes back and other living room hostage situations
I'm sitting on the living room rug at two in the afternoon. The baby is asleep in the bassinet. My toddler is standing exactly three feet away, holding a rigid plastic triceratops, staring at the newborn with the kind of...
The Tesla babies program and my 3am scrolling spiral
It was 3:42 am on a Tuesday, and I was pinned beneath Twin A, who was rhythmically exhaling sour milk vapour directly into my collarbone. The house was locked in that heavy, unnatural silence that only exists just before a...
Why Barbecue Sauce is a Toddler Nightmare (And What to Do Instead)
It's 2:00 PM on the Fourth of July, it's ninety-eight degrees in the shade, and I'm sweating through a grey maternity tank top that I should have thrown away three years ago. Leo is fourteen months old and his face...
The midnight origami crisis: A letter to my past swaddling self
Dear Past Tom, You're currently sitting on the edge of a plastic-covered mattress in the maternity ward of St Thomas' Hospital, staring at a screaming, red-faced potato named Alice, while her twin sister, Lucy, is somehow already escaping the blanket...
How Innocent Baby Searches Become Complete Digital Nightmares
Listen. I was standing in my kitchen wearing sweatpants with a suspicious stain on the knee, desperately trying to mash an avocado while a small human shrieked at my ankles. You know the exact kind of screaming I'm talking about....
The Brutal and Honest Truth About Surviving the Super Baby 2 Phase
My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen and said I needed to put the new baby in the toddler's crib so they could bond through shared breathing. My former charge nurse texted me to keep them on separate floors so...
My Sunny Side Up Baby Gave Me the Back Labor From Absolute Hell
It was 3:14 AM on the linoleum floor of Room 4 at Mt. Sinai, and I was wearing my husband Markβs faded 2012 indie band tour t-shirt because nothing else fit my massive, 40-weeks-pregnant body. I was clutching the hospital...
Why Sugar Baby Websites Are a Parent's Literal Worst Nightmare
Don't, under any circumstances, attempt to buy refined-sugar-free snacks at three in the morning while holding a teething toddler by typing vaguely health-conscious search terms into your smartphone. It's twenty past three in the morning, and I'm actively failing at...
Vetting Caregiver Platforms & Stopping the Sugar Baby Madness
It was exactly 10:14 PM on a Tuesday, which is already a deeply offensive time for me to be awake, let alone wearing hard pants. My husband Mark and I had just gotten back from our first actual "date night"...