Decoding the D4vd Baby Rumors: Managing Panic in the Digital Age
It's two in the morning and the blue glow of my phone is illuminating the dried spit-up on my shoulder. I'm deep in the algorithmic trenches of TikTok, watching a teenager with a halo ring light whisper conspiratorially about the...
My 3 AM Panic Over a Constipated Baby (And What Actually Works)
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was sitting on the edge of my bathtub wearing my husband Gregβs oversized Syracuse Lacrosse t-shirt, which had a suspicious spit-up stain on the shoulder that I had just decided to...
The Giant Swamp Rodent Trend Ruining My Perfectly Good Tuesday
We were in aisle seven of the Lincoln Park Target when a meltdown of epic proportions began. Not over a toy, and not over a snack. My son wanted the giant, terminally chill rodent he had seen on my phone...
Dear pregnant Priya: What the jj mccarthy baby news taught me
I'm writing this to you from the floor of the nursery at three in the morning while the breast pump makes a sound like a dying asthmatic robot. You're six months pregnant right now, probably sitting on the couch with...
Why raising a gentle lady baby is an absolute, hilarious myth
I'm standing in the kitchen at 3:14 AM, wearing a dressing gown that hasn't seen a washing machine since Tuesday, trying to negotiate with a tiny human who has somehow managed to get pureed carrot inside her own ear canal....
Why The Baby's Day Out Movie Cast Haunts My Anxious Dad Brain
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago. Put down the lukewarm decaf. You're currently sitting on the couch in our Portland apartment, tracking the room temperature on your phone (itβs 71.4 degrees, which is apparently best) and staring at our...
Debugging The Maternity Baby Shower Dress Meltdown In Real Time
Exactly forty-five minutes before our backyard celebration was supposed to start, I found my wife stress-crying in our Portland bathroom with a humidity sensor from my server rack sitting on the counter. She was 31 weeks pregnant, and the highly-rated,...
The Unfiltered Shift From Mother To Baby: What I Actually Learned
I'm currently staring at a dried crust of spit-up on my left shoulder that has been there since Tuesday, and honestly, I don't have the energy to change my shirt. Iβm bouncing my youngest on my hip while trying to...
The Ugly Truth About Finding Tiny Silverfish Nymphs in the Nursery
It's two in the morning and I'm staring at the baseboard near the changing table. The lighting is terrible, my eyes are burning from lack of sleep, and my toddler is currently practicing his gymnastics routine on the changing pad....