I Finally Understand The Atomized Baby Meme (And You Will Too)
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and the hallway radiator is pressing a distinctly uncomfortable geometric pattern into my lower spine. Florence, who's Twin A and currently engaged in a psychological war against the concept of sleep, has finally passed...
A Letter To Myself Before Buying That Artipoppe Baby Carrier
Dear Tom of six months ago. You're currently hiding in the downstairs loo, aren't you? The twins are simultaneously screaming in the living room, there's a distinct smell of sour milk on your favourite jumper, and you're staring at your...
How To Survive An Angry Baby When You Are Losing Your Mind
My mother-in-law told me I was holding him too much and he was already "manipulating" me at four months old, which, like, how? My favorite Facebook mom group told me his root chakra was blocked and I needed to rub...
The Ugly Truth About "Anchor Babies" and The 26-Year Wait
I was frantically dabbing at Zoe's birth certificate with a wet wipe this morning, trying to lift a very suspicious brown smear that was either Marmite or something far worse, when the radio started up with yet another political debate....
Raising an AI baby: The 3 AM reality of smart nursery tech
I'm sitting on the edge of the nursery glider at 3:14 AM, toggling between an oxygen saturation graph and an algorithmic sleep predictor while my actual, physical child is currently gnawing on his crib rail. My phone screen is glowing...
What Raising a Baby, a Billionaire, and Me Have in Common
I was six months pregnant with my oldestβwho, bless his heart, has become my walking cautionary tale for every single parenting mistake in the bookβwhen three completely different people cornered me at my baby shower with unsolicited advice on how...
The 50 Cent Baby Momma Drama Broke My Brain at 3 AM
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and my eleven-month-old was emitting a continuous, low-frequency hum that sounded exactly like a failing server fan. I was sitting on the floor of his nursery in the Portland rain, staring at the...
1000 Babies Review: Surviving The First Thousand Days of Chaos
I'm currently watching my four-year-oldβthe child I swear is my living, breathing cautionary tale for what happens when you read too many parenting blogsβtry to lasso our basset hound with a phone charger. Meanwhile, my youngest is mashing an unidentified...
My Late Night Freakout Over Purple Lacy Skin and What I Know Now
It was October 2017, and my daughter Maya was exactly eleven days old. I remember this specifically because I was wearing an oversized grey nursing tank that I hadn't washed since we left the hospital, and I had a half-empty...