How to Actually Troubleshoot Your Way to an Fantastic Baby

Marcus
2026-04-16T00:14:31+02:00

It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, the Portland rain was actively mocking my sanity against the bedroom window, and my 11-month-old was throwing a massive runtime error. I had tried the bouncing walk, the aggressive shushing, the weird yoga-ball-hip-sway that destroyed my lower back, and checking every possible output variable. Nothing worked. Out of sheer, sleep-deprived desperation, I yelled at our smart speaker to play literally anything upbeat. Suddenly, aggressive K-pop synth filled the living room. It was the track bigbang fantastic baby. My kid instantly stopped screaming, froze, and stared at the speaker like it was glowing with the secrets of the universe. He was mesmerized. Later that night, while he finally slept, I found myself scrolling through the fantastic baby lyrics in the dark, trying to figure out if there was some acoustic frequency embedded in the Korean rap verses that is a hard reset for a baby's central nervous system.

Spoiler: there isn't. But staring at my phone in the dark made me realize how much of my first year as a dad was spent doing exactly the wrong things while trying to achieve this mythical state of having a "good" or happy infant. I spent months treating my kid like a Tamagotchi that just needed the right sequence of button presses, instead of a biological entity with constantly shifting firmware. If you're a first-time parent trying to debug your way through the chaos, here's a highly unscientific, heavily modified summary of what I broke, what my wife fixed, and what apparently actually matters.

The sleep module is fundamentally broken

I loved the swaddle. During those first few weeks, the swaddle was my best friend because it was like zipping my unpredictable code into a neat, secure little container. You wrap them up tight like a burrito, their little startle reflexes get neutralized, and they actually stay asleep. I thought I was a genius. I bragged about my swaddling technique to the barista at my local coffee shop. And then, right around the two-month mark, my kid did a weird, jerky barrel roll on the living room rug. At his next appointment, our pediatrician, Dr. Aris, casually mentioned that because he was showing signs of rolling over, we had to stop swaddling immediately due to the risk of him getting trapped face-down.

I panicked. We had to go cold turkey, moving straight to wearable sleep sacks, which meant three nights of my son slapping himself in the face with his own tiny, uncontrolled hands and waking up furious. But apparently, you really can't mess around with sleep safety rules. I had spent hours researching aesthetic crib setups on Pinterest, only to learn that the crib has to be completely, brutally empty. No cute padded bumpers, no stuffed animals, no cozy blankets—just a bare, firm mattress that looks like a tiny, adorable prison cell. I guess this drastically lowers the risk of SIDS, so we just dumped our baby in the empty box on his back and aggressively hoped for the best. Also, you're supposed to share a room for the first six to twelve months, which resulted in my wife and I whispering like nervous bank robbers in our own bedroom while the baby grunted like a tiny wild boar three feet away from our heads. Oh, and car seats always go in the back facing backward, obviously.

Tracking the terrifying input and output data

Because I'm a software engineer, I cope with anxiety by tracking data. When we brought our baby home from the hospital, I downloaded an app and aggressively logged every single milliliter of milk consumed and every diaper changed. I created a beautiful, color-coded dashboard of my son's bodily functions. I thought I could identify patterns and optimize his feeding schedule for maximum efficiency.

My wife finally deleted the app off my phone after I woke her up at 4 AM to inform her that our baby's average wet diaper output had dropped by 12.4% week-over-week. She looked at me with a level of exhaustion that transcends language and told me to just look at the kid. According to our doctor, trying to force a newborn onto a strict feeding schedule is like trying to schedule a server outage—it happens when it happens, and you just have to adapt instead of staring at your phone while the baby cries, assuming your app knows better than their stomach. As long as they're producing around six wet diapers a day, the system is hydrating. They just eat constantly, digesting food faster than I can comprehend. Everyone talks about exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months like it's this magical, natural journey, but watching my wife struggle through cluster feeding and cracked skin in those early weeks looked significantly harder than rewriting a legacy codebase in Assembly.

This brings me to the only piece of clothing I actually care about. When the baby's "output" goes horribly wrong—and it'll—you don't want to be fighting tight necklines. We switched almost entirely to the Organic Cotton Baby Bodysuit Sleeveless Infant Onesie from Kianao. It's my absolute favorite piece of baby gear, purely because of the envelope shoulders. When my son had a catastrophic, mustard-colored blowout up his back, I didn't have to drag a ruined garment over his head and face. I could just pull the whole thing down over his legs. Plus, the organic cotton really stretches, so I didn't feel like I was going to snap his fragile little arms off while trying to dress a squirming target. It saved my sanity multiple times.

Throwing out all the colorful plastic garbage

Around month four, I fell down a late-night internet rabbit hole about phthalates, parabens, and endocrine disruptors. I was sitting on the floor of the nursery looking at the mountain of brightly colored plastic bath toys and strongly scented baby washes we got at our baby shower, suddenly convinced I was marinating my kid in industrial chemicals.

My understanding is that a baby's skin barrier is ridiculously thin and underdeveloped, acting more like a highly absorbent sponge than a protective shield against the world. I ended up panic-throwing away an entire basket of lotions at 3 AM because I couldn't pronounce the controversial preservatives on the back of the bottles. We switched to stuff made with colloidal oatmeal and avocado oil. He basically smells like a high-end breakfast now, but at least he stopped getting those weird, unexplainable red rashes on his thighs.

We did keep a few things, like the Gentle Baby Building Block Set. It's fine. It's made of soft rubber and supposedly BPA-free, and my son really likes chewing on the little animal textures when his gums are bothering him. But I'll say that I keep stepping on them in the dark, and they emit this quiet, squeaky squish sound when compressed under a 180-pound dad foot, which is deeply unsettling when you're trying to sneak out of the nursery unnoticed. Still, they aren't toxic, so they get to stay in the rotation.

My wife banned me from screen time workarounds

The official stance from pediatric groups is zero screen time for children under 18 months, with the sole exception of video chatting with family. I tried to argue that having VS Code open on my second monitor while the baby sat in my lap didn't technically count as "screen time" because it was just syntax-highlighted text and not a dancing cartoon, but my wife shut that logic down immediately.

Since I couldn't distract him with my monitors, I was forced into doing something the pediatrician called "Kangaroo Care." This basically involves taking your shirt off and letting the baby lay directly on your bare chest. I felt absolutely ridiculous the first few times, just sitting shirtless on the couch in the dark like a sweaty, hairy mattress. But the science behind it's wild. Apparently, skin-to-skin contact honestly keeps stable a newborn's heart rate, stabilizes their breathing, and helps manage their body temperature. Weirdly enough, it worked like a charm. He would sync up with my breathing rhythm and just crash out. The human hardware is bizarre, but you can't argue with the results when you finally get 45 minutes of silence.

If you're currently overwhelmed trying to figure out how to clothe your tiny human without wrapping them in synthetic fabrics and petroleum byproducts, you might want to take a breather and explore Kianao's organic baby clothes collection before you buy another scratchy polyester onesie.

System overload and parental cache clearing

The unspoken truth among all the medical advice is that a healthy baby requires a parent who hasn't completely lost their grip on reality. A therapist friend of ours told me once that a baby crying for three hours is just their biological way of communicating that their localized environment is unacceptable. But when you've checked the diaper, offered the milk, and verified the room temperature, you just get stuck in an infinite loop of screaming.

I learned the hard way that putting a fed, dry baby safely in the crib, walking out to the back porch, and breathing Portland's damp air for five minutes isn't failing as a father. It's literally just clearing your mental cache so you don't crash the whole system. The house will look like a bomb went off in a laundry basket factory. There will be half-empty coffee mugs on every flat surface. Accept it. If someone offers to bring you a lasagna or hold the baby so you can take a wildly long, hot shower, you drop your pride and say yes.

Before I completely dump my remaining brain buffer into answering some of the questions I furiously googled this year, do yourself a massive favor and upgrade your baby's comfort matrix. Grab one of those organic envelope-shoulder bodysuits and save yourself from the dreaded overhead blowout extraction. You'll thank me later.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do babies cry so much in the evening?
Apparently, this is called the "witching hour," though in our house it was more like the witching three hours. From what I can gather, their tiny nervous systems just get completely overloaded by the end of the day. It's like a server memory leak—they've taken in too much data (lights, sounds, movement) and they just crash. Sometimes taking them into a completely dark, quiet room is the only way to reboot them.

Do I really have to wash new baby clothes before they wear them?
I thought this was a myth made up by overly cautious parents, but yes, you absolutely do. New clothes are coated in chemical sizing to make them look crisp in the store, and factories aren't exactly sterile environments. Given how much my kid aggressively sucked on the collar of his shirts, I'm glad we ran everything through the wash with unscented detergent first.

How do you know if they're too hot at night?
I used to obsessively feel my baby's hands and feet, which were always freezing, prompting me to layer him up. My doctor laughed at me and explained that baby extremities have terrible circulation. You honestly have to feel the back of their neck or their chest. If their neck is sweaty, they're too hot, regardless of how cold their little toes feel. Overheating is a big SIDS risk, so I learned to trust the neck-check over my own paranoia.

Is it normal to google every weird noise my baby makes?
Yes, completely normal. I thought my baby had asthma, a collapsed lung, and a rare throat condition all within the first month. It turns out newborns just grunt, squeak, and sound like angry little farm animals while they sleep. A lot of the grunting is literally just them learning how to use their abdominal muscles to poop. It's gross, but completely fine.

When do they finally sleep through the night?
If anyone gives you an exact date, they're lying to you. Every time my kid strung together three nights of eight-hour sleep, I thought we had finally cracked the code. Then a tooth would come in, or he'd learn a new skill, and his sleep firmware would corrupt again. Just expect the sleep to be messy for the first year and celebrate the good nights when they happen without assuming it's the new permanent baseline.