Dear Past Marcus: A Warning About The Teething Firmware Update
Right now, you're sitting on the edge of the nursery rug in the dark. It's 2:14 AM. The baby is screaming with the intensity of a dial-up modem connecting to a bad server, and you're holding a digital thermometer that...
Why my timeline for a new baby sister is completely broken
I was staring at a plastic stick with two bright pink lines on our bathroom counter, right next to a half-chewed rice rusk that Leo, my 11-month-old, had abandoned to go fight the bath mat. My wife picked up the...
Forget The Screens: Building A Real Baby Steps Game Map At Home
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was sitting in the dark nursing my youngest while the glow of my phone screen burned my retinas. My middle child, Leo, was fourteen months old at the time and barely...
Why You Shouldn't Google Deep Throat Baby Lyrics
Dear Marcus of six months ago. You're currently sitting on the closed toilet lid at 3:14 AM, basking in the harsh fluorescent bathroom light, trying to decode a snippet of audio you just heard on some teenager's TikTok downstairs. You're...
Troubleshooting the Santa Baby Holiday Aesthetic
Last Tuesday at exactly 6:14 PM, I found myself locked in a physical struggle with a miniature velvet suit. My 11-month-old daughter was screaming like I'd just permanently uninstalled her favorite game, and my wife was standing in the doorway...
Troubleshooting The Real Cosmic Powers Of Your Own Human Infant
At my sister's backyard barbecue last weekend, three different people gave me completely contradictory advice about my son's biological capabilities within a ten-minute window. My uncle told me to just drop the kid in the deep end of the pool...
My Honest Review of the Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Baby Toys
"Buy the talking dog, it taught your cousin to count," my mom texted me on a Tuesday morning while I was trying to compile code. "Don't let that plastic nightmare into your house, it'll literally nuke his dopamine receptors," my...
Surviving the Free Baby Box Hustle: A Dad's Tracker
It was 7:42 PM on a Tuesday, raining sideways in typical Portland fashion, and I was standing on my porch staring at a pile of soggy cardboard that made my house look like a localized fulfillment center. My neighbor gave...
Before and After: My Framework for Debugging a Fussy Baby
It's 3:14 AM and the glowing green numbers on our microwave are actively mocking me. I'm currently bouncing on a giant blue yoga ball, clutching a screaming eleven-month-old against my chest, while my wife desperately tries to warm up a...