Magazine
My Fictional Gangster Baby Daddy and the Reality of Co-Parenting
When we first found out we were having twins, the unsolicited advice arrived with the speed and aggression of a flock of London pigeons spotting a dropped chip. Three different people gave me entirely contradictory instructions on how to handle...
What nobody tells you about the most popular baby names 2024
My mother-in-law told me I had to pick an astrologically aligned name or my son's digestion would be ruined forever. The lactation consultant at shift change whispered that giving a kid an 'A' name makes them aggressive. Then my husband's...
The Truth About The Most Expensive Beanie Babies
I'm sitting on the concrete floor of my parents' garage in the Chicago suburbs, sneezing thirty years of dust out of my nose. In front of me is a massive plastic storage bin labeled with my name and the phrase...
Stop Saying Mongoloid Baby: Real Talk About Down Syndrome
I was sweating straight through my maternity leggings in the back of our Honda Odyssey, crying so hard I couldnβt see the buckles. It was August in rural Texas, which is basically the surface of the sun, and we hadnβt...
The Truth Behind the Missing Baby Yucaipa Panic
The rain was pounding on the windshield of my Honda Odyssey in a Chicago Target parking lot. I was sitting there with the engine idling, watching my toddler sleep in his car seat, dreading the moment I had to wake...
Dear Past Jess: Please Do Not Put On That Million Dollar Baby Film
Dear exhausted Jess from six months ago, Youβre currently sitting on the beige sectional that smells vaguely of sour milk and desperation. It's raining sideways here in rural Texas, your Etsy shop orders are backed up to the moon, and...
What Are the Tommy Richman Million Dollar Baby Lyrics About?
My coworker Dave pinged me on Slack Tuesday morning to say I desperately needed to block a certain new Tommy Richman song on Spotify because the themes were way too mature for my house. Two hours later, my mother-in-law called...
Why That Megan Fox Post-Baby Appearance Made Me Lose My Mind
The glowing numbers on the microwave read 3:14 AM, which I know because I had just logged a massive diaper blowout into our shared baby app using my left thumb while suspending my screaming four-month-old over the sink with my...
The Mason Disick Baby Hoax and My Massive Digital Parenting Panic
My mum told me on Tuesday that if I ever post another photo of the girls online, criminals on the dark web will steal their identities and open credit cards in their names. A bloke I vaguely know from the...