Surviving the U.S. Infant Passport Process Without Losing Your Mind
The fluorescent lights at the pharmacy were humming a specific pitch of anxiety while a nineteen-year-old named Tyler adjusted a digital camera. I was holding my squirming four-month-old up by his armpits, trying desperately to keep my own hands out...
The Truth About The Most Expensive Beanie Babies
I'm sitting on the concrete floor of my parents' garage in the Chicago suburbs, sneezing thirty years of dust out of my nose. In front of me is a massive plastic storage bin labeled with my name and the phrase...
What Are the Tommy Richman Million Dollar Baby Lyrics About?
My coworker Dave pinged me on Slack Tuesday morning to say I desperately needed to block a certain new Tommy Richman song on Spotify because the themes were way too mature for my house. Two hours later, my mother-in-law called...
That Viral Baby Catch Video Is Fake But Gravity Is Very Real
I was three hours deep into a TikTok scrolling paralysis on the nursery glider when I saw it. My toddler had finally surrendered to sleep, his breath doing that weird, uneven newborn rattle, and my screen was flashing a story...
The 2am baby wolf spider encounter that changed my parenting
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, and the London flat was entirely silent except for the rhythmic, congested breathing of Twin A, or possibly Twin B, since they frequently swap beds just to gaslight me. I was on a...
"A Dingo Ate My Baby": How A 90s Joke Became My Parenting Nightmare
The digital clock on the nursery wall reads 2:14 AM. The temperature monitor is holding steady at exactly 68.4 degrees. My 11-month-old son is currently using my left collarbone as a mattress, drooling a small puddle of milk onto my...
Why The Baby Rubber Plant Is Perfect For Your Nursery
I was on my hands and knees scraping wet potting soil out of my relatively clean nursery rug with a plastic spoon when I realized the plant industry is actively trying to trick us. My oldest, Tyler, was ten months...
Dear Past Me: The Ugly, Honest Truth About Useless Baby Mittens
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, You're standing in your sister's nursery, surrounded by a mountain of crumpled tissue paper and tiny, impossibly small socks. You're holding a little mesh bag of baby mβwait, what are these even called?...
Dear Anxious Me: The Absolute Truth About Buying A Crib Mattress
Dear Sarah from six months ago. You're currently sitting cross-legged on the floor of your sister's guest room, which she just painted a highly questionable shade of mustard yellow. You have half a cold, oat milk latte balanced precariously on...