Magazine
The Moldy Bath Toy and My Black Killer Whale Baby Obsession
It was 4:12 AM, and I was standing on the freezing, fake-marble tile of our upstairs bathroom wearing Dave's college sweatpantsβthe ones with the literal hole in the crotch that I refuse to throw away because the waistband is basically...
Bigbang Fantastic Baby: A Dad's Guide to Infant Auditory Safety
It's 2:14 PM on a Tuesday. I'm standing in the exact center of our living room in Portland, holding an 11-month-old who's currently wearing only a diaper and one mismatched sock, while the opening synth chords of a legendary 2012...
The 2 AM Malware Alert That Changed How I Look at Baby Toys
It's exactly 2:14 AM. My 11-month-old daughter is running a mild teething temperature of 99.4 degrees, and I'm currently locked out of my own home Wi-Fi because our firewall triggered a hard quarantine. Iβm sitting on the living room floor...
My Unhinged, Exhausting Search For The Best Glass Baby Bottles
I was standing in my kitchen at 3:14 AM wearing my husband Danβs college sweatpants that had a questionable mustard stain on the knee, holding a supposedly pristine, top-of-the-line glass bottle while Maya screamed in the other room. I was...
I would like to see the baby and other newborn terrors
It's 3:18 AM in a freezing Chicago apartment. I'm holding a seven-pound alien that's currently shrieking like a defective smoke detector. My husband is dead asleep on the couch, entirely oblivious. I'm scrolling a forum with my free thumb and...
Stop Taking My Chips I'm Just A Baby: A Dad's Survival Guide
Dear Tom from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the hallway floor at 4 PM, wedged between a pile of unopened mail and a rogue wellington boot, trying to negotiate with a toddler who has just hurled a...
The 'Is Your Baby Crying Meme' Explained: A Letter To Past Me
3:14 AM. The Apple Watch on my wrist is vibrating, aggressively warning me that the ambient noise level has reached 95 decibelsβroughly the equivalent of standing next to a gas-powered lawnmower. The noise source is exactly fourteen inches from my...
It's All Over Now: Surviving The Postpartum Day Five Crash
My mate Dave, over a very hurried pint three weeks before the twins arrived, told me the secret to the first week at home was to "just keep the kettle on and your head down." The glossy NHS leaflet we...
Jacqueline MacInnes Wood Baby Number 5 And The Boy Mom Chaos
Yesterday at roughly ten past four in the afternoon, I was lying spread-eagled on our sitting room rug while Twin A attempted to forcefully insert a plastic spoon into Twin B's left nostril. I had what I sincerely hoped was...