Dear Past Jess: The Brutal Truth About Crochet Baby Blankets
You're currently sitting on the floor of the nursery surrounded by fifty dollars worth of mustard yellow yarn, crying because you dropped a stitch four rows back. I know this because I was you exactly six months ago, hugely pregnant...
The Real Meaning Behind Sugar Babies For Tired Moms
Five pounds of Gold Medal all-purpose flour hit my linoleum floor with a sound like a muted gunshot. A white cloud plumed up, coating my scrubs, my sneakers, and the crying actual human infant strapped to my chest. I was...
Why Normal People Are Setting Up Trust Funds for Their Kids
Dear Jess from six months ago, You're currently sitting at the kitchen table at 11:47 PM. You have stale Goldfish crumbs stuck to your sweatpants, you're surrounded by fifty half-packed Etsy resin orders, and you're hyperventilating while staring at a...
Why nobody warns you about ugly babies and how to survive them
I spent four hours in the maternity ward trying to find an Instagram filter that would make my son look less like a bruised, angry potato. I know we aren't supposed to say that out loud. You're supposed to weep...
Vanessa Hudgens Baby Reality Check: Why Balance Is A Total Myth
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was staring at a scatter plot I had painstakingly built in Python to map our 11-month-oldβs sleep regressions against the ambient humidity of his nursery. (For the record, 48% humidity and...
When Can Babies Sleep With A Blanket: A Mom's Honest Guide
I was standing in Maya's nursery at like 2 AM. She was maybe four months old, it was the dead of February, and our old house is drafty as hell. I was holding a lukewarm cup of coffeeβmy fourth of...
The Real Signs of Ear Infection in Baby (And What to Ignore)
I'm just gonna be real with youβif I had a dollar for every time my mother-in-law gasped and said, "Oh, he's tugging his ear, it's an infection!" I could have paid off my student loans by now. When my oldest,...
Why The Scorsese Baby Daddy Trend Is An Actual Parenting Trap
I was sitting on the aggressively beige tile floor of a suburban Target bathroom in 2016, wearing Lululemon leggings that definitely had a crusty salsa stain on the left thigh, staring at a plastic stick I had just peed on....
Stop Stressing: A Letter to Myself About Rare Baby Boy Names
You're currently sitting at the kitchen island with a cold, half-empty mug of Folgers, glaring at a yellow legal pad covered in crossed-out words while your two-year-old quietly colors on the baseboards with a stolen Sharpie. I know exactly how...