Why Family Ties Baby Keem Is Wrecking Your Smart Speaker
My mom swore that piping classical Mozart into the nursery would turn my kids into literal baby Einsteins, bless her heart. My oldest kid's preschool teacher insisted we stick exclusively to acoustic farm animal songs if we wanted decent behavioral...
Troubleshooting The Real Cosmic Powers Of Your Own Human Infant
At my sister's backyard barbecue last weekend, three different people gave me completely contradictory advice about my son's biological capabilities within a ten-minute window. My uncle told me to just drop the kid in the deep end of the pool...
The Fat Chinese Baby Meme and My Newborn Overfeeding Panic
I'm sitting in the dark at 2:14 AM, the harsh glow of my smartphone illuminating a fresh patch of spit-up on my gray hoodie. My 11-month-old son is asleep in his crib, breathing perfectly normally, while I'm deep-diving into the...
My Honest Review of the Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Baby Toys
"Buy the talking dog, it taught your cousin to count," my mom texted me on a Tuesday morning while I was trying to compile code. "Don't let that plastic nightmare into your house, it'll literally nuke his dopamine receptors," my...
The Four Seasons Orlando Baby and Other Internet Lies
Dear Tom from six months ago, You're currently hiding in the downstairs loo while Florence tries to forcefully feed a damp oatcake to the Wi-Fi router. Matilda is sitting on the rug, entirely naked from the waist down, staring at...
Freddie Gibbs Baby Mama Gossip vs. The Reality of Fatherhood
Before the twins arrived, I received three distinct pieces of advice about the impending transition to fatherhood. My postman, Terry, told me to sleep while I still could (it's physically impossible to bank sleep in advance, Terry, but thanks for...
Surviving the Free Baby Box Hustle: A Dad's Tracker
It was 7:42 PM on a Tuesday, raining sideways in typical Portland fashion, and I was standing on my porch staring at a pile of soggy cardboard that made my house look like a localized fulfillment center. My neighbor gave...
Before and After: My Framework for Debugging a Fussy Baby
It's 3:14 AM and the glowing green numbers on our microwave are actively mocking me. I'm currently bouncing on a giant blue yoga ball, clutching a screaming eleven-month-old against my chest, while my wife desperately tries to warm up a...
My 3AM Encounter With The Notorious Gateron Baby Kangaroo
It sounded like a particularly brittle beetle being crushed under a Wellington boot, but the sharp, piercing pain shooting directly up into my left heel suggested something far more synthetic. It was 3:17 AM. I was halfway across the living...