Troubleshooting the Caden Lane Baby Hype: A Dad's Deep Dive
It's 3:14 AM, and I'm trying to thread a microscopic plastic zipper in total darkness while a small, angry human practices mixed martial arts against my kidneys. My 11-month-old son has just executed a catastrophic diaper payload, and I'm currently...
Dear Past Me: The Great Clash Royale Dragon Emote Code Chaos
Dear Sarah of Last October, You're currently standing in the kitchen in those gray Lululemon leggingsβthe ones with the mysterious bleach stain on the left thigh that you keep swearing you'll throw away but never do. It's, like, 6:43 AM...
The Truth About The Cringe Ass Nae Nae Baby Meme & Sharenting
I was sitting in our local coffee shop back in 2018, wearing this horrifying mustard yellow sweater that I genuinely thought made me look like a cool Brooklyn creative but actually just made me look jaundiced. It was raining outsideβthat...
Blueface Baby Mama Drama: Troubleshooting Real Infant Safety
I was pinned under a sleeping 11-month-old at 2:14 AM, the screen brightness on my phone turned down so low I was basically reading by echolocation, when the algorithm served me the blueface baby mama drama. If you somehow missed...
Talk To Me Baby: Why We Need To Stop Sounding Like Tax Attorneys
I was at a coffee shop in Lincoln Park yesterday when I heard a mother next to me explaining the concept of municipal bonds to her three-month-old. She was using a flat, monotone, deeply serious voice. The infant was staring...
Why the thalidomide baby tragedy still dictates pregnancy rules
I was standing in aisle four of a aggressively crunchy Portland natural grocery store, holding a box of German herbal nausea pills that smelled like dirt and black licorice. Sarah was eight weeks pregnant. For the last seventy-two hours, she...
How Does Preeclampsia Affect the Baby? My NICU Story
It's 2:14 PM on a Tuesday and I'm wearing these absolutely hideous mustard-colored maternity leggings that I bought on clearance at Target, sweating through my third cup of lukewarm decaf. I'm sitting on that terrible crinkly paper of the exam...
The completely unvarnished truth about making homemade baby food
My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen and said I had to boil dal water for three straight hours or my son's intestines would simply shut down. My coworker from the pediatric ward texted me to skip purees entirely, advising...
Aishiteruze Baby And The Massive Lies I Believed About Motherhood
Itβs 2017 and I'm sitting on the edge of the master bathroom tub at 3:14 AM wearing a pair of my husbandβs gray sweatpants that have a highly suspicious yellow stain on the left knee. I'm holding a screaming, two-week-old...