Why looking up kids stores near me usually ends in disaster
The wind off Lake Michigan is currently performing a hostile takeover of the sidewalk. My toddler, who fit perfectly into his heavy coat exactly three days ago, is now hulking out of the sleeves like a tiny, irritated bodybuilder. The...
The Truth About Designer Infant Clothes and Scratchy Tulle
I was sweating straight through my postpartum mesh underwear in the back seat of a Ford F-150 somewhere on Highway 290, frantically trying to unfasten fourteen microscopic pearl buttons while my three-day-old newborn screamed like a banshee. It's funny how...
Dear Past Marcus: The Skianzug Kinder Survival Guide I Wish I Had
Dear Marcus of exactly six months ago, currently staring blindly at a wall of synthetic winter gear at the REI in the Pearl District while Sarah texts you asking if you've found anything waterproof yet. I'm writing to you from...
The brutal truth about shopping a baby clearance warehouse sale
The wind off Lake Michigan was whipping my hair into my mouth while I stood in a line wrapping around an industrial park in Skokie. I was six months pregnant, freezing, and holding a lukewarm decaf coffee, waiting for the...
The Only Realistic Baby Inventory A Panicked Parent Actually Needs
At week 24 of the pregnancy, I made the catastrophic mistake of asking three different people what we needed to buy for our impending human. My mom told me all we needed was love and a massive stack of cloth...
Why My Spreadsheet Strategy For Budget Baby Clothes Completely Failed
At 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, I was staring at a pivot table I'd built to calculate the exact cost-per-wear of an infant's wardrobe. My son was three months old at the time, and I was treating his closet like...
Why Baby Boy Rompers Are The Only Outfit You Actually Need
I'm standing over the changing table at what feels like three in the morning, trying to thread a miniature leather belt through the belt loops of three-month-old corduroy pants. He is doing the alligator death roll. There's a very specific...
Building A Bulletproof Baby Depot For Surviving The Newborn Chaos
It was three in the morning in the dead of a Chicago winter when I finally lost my mind. I was standing in my living room holding a screaming infant, staring at a corner of the house that looked like...
Losing My Mind Inside Infant Stores (And What You Actually Need)
My mother-in-law cornered me at my own baby shower, pointed at my seven-month belly, and told me I needed to buy absolutely everything brand new or the baby would contract some kind of Victorian wasting disease. Twenty minutes later, my...