The 2 AM Baby Benadryl Panic and What I Actually Did Instead
It's 2:14 AM on a Tuesday in February. The wind off Lake Michigan is rattling the windowpanes of our Chicago apartment, and my toddler is sitting on the bathroom counter looking like a lightly boiled lobster. We had tried a...
Postpartum Baby Bangs: A Dad's Guide to the Hair Regrowth Glitch
Dear Marcus of six months ago: Put down the industrial drain snake and take a deep breath. I know you just pulled a clump of hair out of the shower drain that looks roughly the size of a wet squirrel,...
How The Creepy Screaming Ash Baby Internet Joke Ruined My Tuesday
My sister-in-law texted me at 6:15 AM demanding I lock all our household iPads in a fireproof safe because a "soot infant" is destroying the youth. My mate Dave replied to a WhatsApp group roughly forty-five minutes later arguing that...
Debugging Baby Sun Safety: The Great Sunscreen Firmware Update
There's currently a streak of stark white zinc oxide smeared across the black upholstery of my Subaru, a matching smudge on my favorite dark t-shirt, and a suspicious clump stuck in my eleven-month-oldβs left eyebrow. Somehow, despite dispensing what felt...
When Your Baby Refuses to Flip (My Honest Breech Experience)
I was thirty-six weeks pregnant with my oldest when the ultrasound tech got real quiet, typed something furiously on her little keyboard, and excused herself to get the doctor. Cut to twenty minutes later in the H-E-B parking lot where...
The "Be My Baby" Delusion: Surviving Your First Year Alive
I'm sitting on the edge of a creaky glider at 4:17 AM while my oldest, Wyatt, arches his back like a feral cat who just got dipped in cold water. I remember standing there in the dark, smelling vaguely of...
Why a 5-Yard Baby Wrap Saved My Sanity (and My Etsy Shop)
I was standing in the middle of my living room, openly weeping, completely tangled in what felt like a parachute. My oldest, Wyattβwho's now five and still the reason I've a twitch in my left eyeβwas six weeks old and...
Surviving the Absolute Avalanche of Useless Newborn Baby Stuff
At 34 weeks pregnant, my wife and I entered a fugue state in a suburban retail park and bought a machine specifically designed to heat baby wipes to exactly 37 degrees Celsius. I remember standing at the till, handing over...
When to Worry About RSV Symptoms Baby: A Dad's Survival Guide
Don't spend three hours scrolling through a parenting forum thread from 2014 about baby chest retractions while your daughter breathes like a tiny, congested pug on your chest. I did this on a Tuesday last November, and it resulted in...