The Giant Swamp Rodent Trend Ruining My Perfectly Good Tuesday
We were in aisle seven of the Lincoln Park Target when a meltdown of epic proportions began. Not over a toy, and not over a snack. My son wanted the giant, terminally chill rodent he had seen on my phone...
Britney Spears Hit Me Baby One More Time: A Dad's Sleep Hack
Dear Marcus from six months ago. It's 3:14 AM, you're currently standing by the changing table in the dark, and you're holding a five-month-old who's screaming at a frequency that's definitely violating several local Portland noise ordinances. You have tried...
My Kids Discovered Britney Spears Baby One More Time (Oh God)
It was exactly 7:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing in front of the coffee maker wearing my husband Dave's old Syracuse sweatpantsβthe ones with the mysterious hardened yogurt stain on the left kneeβwhen I heard it. Maya,...
The Brutal Truth About Beanie Baby Value and Nursery Safety
I'm sitting on the freezing concrete floor of my parents' garage in the Chicago suburbs, staring at three massive plastic tubs filled with Princess Diana bears and tie-dye lobsters. My mom is standing over me, casually mentioning that this plastic...
Dear Past Tom: The Great Beanie Baby Birthday Calendar Incident
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently hunched over the kitchen island, illuminated only by the harsh, judgemental glow of your phone and the standby light on the Tommee Tippee prep machine. One of the twins is asleep, radiating...
The Truth About Babys Breath Flowers in Your Newborns Nursery
Dear Priya from six months ago. You're standing in the craft store floral aisle, heavily pregnant, holding a thirty-dollar bundle of dried white weeds. You're convinced this is the final touch your nursery needs to tie the whole woodland aesthetic...
Why The Baby's Day Out Movie Cast Haunts My Anxious Dad Brain
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago. Put down the lukewarm decaf. You're currently sitting on the couch in our Portland apartment, tracking the room temperature on your phone (itβs 71.4 degrees, which is apparently best) and staring at our...
Why the Baby's Day Movie Gives Me Major Panic Attacks Now
I was elbow-deep in a basket of aggressively stained toddler socks yesterday afternoon, desperately trying to find a single matching pair, when my husband walked into the living room and slapped a DVD on the coffee table. Heβd found it...
Why I Sing Mariah Carey Always Be My Baby At 3 AM For Sleep
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in 2017, and I was sweating through a gray David Bowie t-shirt that had questionable yellow spit-up crusted on the left shoulder, trying desperately to remember what you're actually supposed to buy if...